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Tuesday, July 3, 2018

I'll Be Seeing You... If Only In My Dreams

This title of this post was written in a love letter from my Grandfather to my Grandmother in April 1945 when he was still serving active duty in the Air Force. I never met him, he passed back in 1957, but the loss of my Grandmother, who's traumatic death happened suddenly ten years ago, left me feeling as if I had severed off my right arm. There are certain days I feel more positive about her being gone, but even after a decade our entire family feels the emptiness of her absence.

Last week we had the pleasure of having my sister's four children down for a cousin's camp week at the lake. I have no doubt that Gram was looking over us, happy to see her great grandchildren making family memories that will last a lifetime.

Needless to say after a week of entertaining five kids, utter exhaustion had set in for the adults. Last night Senia Mae crept into our bed claiming to have a belly ache but I knew it was really because she missed us after focusing so much attention on her cousins!

Our queen sized bed used to be large enough to house our family of three, but with a long-legged eight year old who still ends up sleeping in the H position, someone usually gets the boot. Last night it was me who ended up on the couch.

I chose to lie flat instead of trying to get sleep in the automatic recliner. The sensation of my right arm tingling and going numb kept me from entering a deep sleep but allowed me to have a vivid dream about Gram. In the dream my mother and I were near her and she told us she was going to die. I felt the gripping panic I had felt during her actual death and somehow she calmed me, saying I should not worry and that she will visit me on Wednesdays.

When I awoke I felt as if she had really visited me in my dream and ran over to the stack of books I keep next to my bed, gabbing an old favorite, "Ask the Dream Doctor."

Quickly flipping to the chapter on dream encounters with the already deceased, I read that up to 50% of people believe that they actually can be contacted by loved ones who have died because of the trance-like state of mind during dreaming. Closing my eyes, I hoped it was so. What I missed was having one more conversation with my beloved grandmother.

On page 117 Charles Lambert McPhee states,
"The gift that death bestows upon the living is the awareness that our hours in the sun, genuinely, are fleeting. In death's shadow we learn that every day is a good day to smell the roses, to perform a kind act, to contact an old friend, to breathe deep in the ocean of life. By providing contrast, death sharpens our vision of the miracle of life."

Senia Mae woke up to see me reading the dream book with tears flowing steadily down my cheeks.

"Mama, what happened?" she asked.

"Oh, I had a dream about Gram," I said. "I miss her so much, but she told me she's going to visit me on Wednesdays. It kind of makes me feel better. I think I might write about it."

"Mama, aren't you afraid that if you talk about it your dream won't come true?"

"No,baby," I say as I rub my hand over her sleepy forehead, "It already has come true."


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